A tip for the homeless

I am here to share the secret of a phenomenon I noticed a few years ago and have been taking advantage of ever since. Bums listen up.

It all started when I decided to quit smoking cigarettes. The problem with quitting is that as soon as a drop of beer hits my tongue, I NEED a fucking square. You smokers know what I am talking about.

So I had gone a few weeks without a deathstick, but then I was at a party with a house full of beer and smokers, so I decided I had to have one. In the past when this happened I would just go around begging, but a pack costs about $8 in Chicago so I started to feel bad about it.

When some drunk dude politely asks to bum a cigarette at a party, you can't really say no or you look like a stingy asshole. At the same time you realize that you are basically giving away your hard-earned money.

I would have just bought my own pack, but I knew that the next morning I would wake up with a hangover and a nearly full pack of cigarettes, and I would go right back to smoking on a regular basis.

So I dug through my pocket and found two quarters. I thought "as long as I exchange fifty cents for a cig, I'm not a beggar. I am actually giving them a return on their investment."

I set out for the porch and made my offer to some guy I had never seen before.

And I got a confused stare.

"Umm, I'm not going to make you pay me... how about I just give you one instead?

I didn't argue. But a half hour later I felt like another smoke, and i still had my change. So I went back outside and saw some random girl smoking camel lights. I decided she would be my new best friend.

I felt kind of weird about the reaction I got previously, so I decided to just ask her if I could bum one. But when I did, she gave me that look. You know--the look that somebody gives you when you ask for a favor that they would really prefer not to do it but feel obligated to.

So I busted out my change. She looked at the quarters, and gave me a look that said "the only thing more pathetic than being the guy walking outside clutching small change and going person-to-person begging to pay for a single cigarette would be to actually be the smoker stingy enough to take the money."

So from that night on, every time I went to a party I remembered to have two quarters in my pocket. I have probably bummed $50 worth of cigarettes by now, but not a single person has taken my $0.50.

But the best part isn't that I get so many free cigarettes. It is that when i wake up hung-over the next morning (or afternoon), I don't even have the option to smoke. Unless I want to go out in the daylight with my quarters. But there is no way in hell I could be that desperate until I get that sweet taste of beer on my tongue.